If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
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