Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
