the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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