Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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