do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
