cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
