yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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