Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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