This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
