He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
