kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
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