New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
