He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Randomize
