Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
