I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
