so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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