she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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