He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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