We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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