bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
