i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
