My hair reeks of homosexuality.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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