Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
