it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
