I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
