does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
