I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
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I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
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We're not piercing ourselves today.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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