in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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