I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
