She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
