and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
