Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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