I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Randomize
