Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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