Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize