we're chasing vodka with high fives
Who wears a wallet chain?!
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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