I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
only you would photoshop your dick
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
