He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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