then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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