I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
