my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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