god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
