I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
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