you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
