After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
