I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
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I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
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Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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