Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Let's get the cat blown out
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
