I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
