OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
