if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
