you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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