my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Randomize
