I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
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I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
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DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
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