I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
