Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize
