My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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