so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
