i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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