my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
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